YOU DO THE MATH
Saturday, November 28, 2009 at 4:14PM 
I deliberated for months about writing this. Mostly 'cause what you're about to read has been the most difficult grieving process I've ever lived through. Some will think this too intimate, others no doubt, have had like experiences. Either way, this is my life, and nothing's easy when you follow Christ.
In January '05 I fasted 40 days. It was an incredible journey that produced a ministry, book, friendship and a shot at forgiveness that changed my life.
A lot has change since then. I've walked away from the American church, walked away from "traditional ministry," buried a very close friendship and the Pièce de résistance, lost my brother to an act of forgiveness.
For the record, Jesus says, "If you fast you will be rewarded." Rewarded?! You tell me, does that last paragraph sound like reward?
During the fast I was stopped by God. Not crazy like a burning bush. It was a quiet moment in prayer. God simply touched my heart. "Can you forgive your Dad for everything he's done," God asked. My dad and I up until that prayer had been estranged for 15 years. I had hated him for the closely knit macabre of parental dereliction that was the divorce between him and my mom. Turns out divorce wrecks families regardless of circumstances or intents.
That question God posed literally wrecked me. "You believe in me, right?" God asked,"Well... I forgave you, can't you then forgive your dad, as I have you?" Those words from the Bible I'd read a million times, preached a thousand times, yet I needed to starve for 40 days to get it.
As I sat in the dark with that question my heart did something I didn't ask for. I forgave him. Forgave him for the pain of a messy divorce with mom, forgave him for the neglect and garbage of a "he said - she said" break up bent on ripping and tearing apart children.
Forgiveness happened in the blink of an eye. I didn't ask for it. I'd gotten used to being cool Jesus guy who just didn't dig his dad. That prayer made it abundantly clear if I was to continue teaching and being taught Christ I'd better have my crap together. This wasn't God baiting me through guilt, this was God asking to me to act like Him, nothing less, nothing more. "I forgive you, you forgive him." Understanding why God has forgiven us through Christ comes in chunks as a Christ follower. We can come to Him in a blink of an eye, yet take years to do as He does with us to those around us. Read that again. As He does to us, we do to others. This does one amazing thing...puts us on the same playing field with everyone in the world, regardless if they love God or not. And that is where we find peace. When your forgiveness has no condition or rule, only self-sacrificing love for another.
So, I forgave my dad and the craziest thing happened. I didn't give a rat's ass about the past, only how I was to love him in the future.
My brother is 4 years older. Growing up we were best friends. We did everything together. His older friends accepted me 'cause he told them to and my friends knew I didn't make a move without asking him. Our parents at best were roommates and Mike took care of me. When there was no money to eat or buy cool stuff he turned to me and said "We gotta get jobs." When I fell into wrong crowds he said "Stop!" When I did good, he told me I was great. We were each other's best man in our weddings, and he even gave me my greatest honor in my life... He named his youngest son after me. He was my hero, my best friend, everything I wanted to be, plus...we survived a torturous childhood together.
There are inherent problems with being a survivor. Sometimes the very thing you survive becomes the cause to love to hate.
For my brother and I the abuse from our parents was the fuel for hate. We grew closer, stronger, more intolerant, bound by abuse. Our sense of right and wrong became self-prescribed judgement based on getting our asses kicked by those in charge. We learned to operate independently from them and dependently on hate. It would become the only thing we had in common. It was the only thing worthy of talking about. It would be the only reason to have a relationship. Hate is funny that way. It gives you such a false sense of pride; the thing you hate becomes what you love. Thank God, God gets that.
We grew into adults. I wandered into TV and heard God's call. He became a salesmen and moved to the Cape. We had families and shared our love for hate. God breaks apart relationships fueled by hate. I tried for years to be the Good Christian boy to Mike but our love to hate always won. I would look at Mike and see a lifetime of commitment to our cause and I'd wander from God, justifying my lack of forgiveness by the reality of abuse and my relationship with Mike.
One thing you have to know about God, He moves regardless if you're ready to or not. The fast wasn't the only time I'd been approached about forgiving my dad by God. I'd read the words, felt the nudge to reach out... it killed me, knowing the right thing would ultimately be the right thing to DO.
It was a letter I sent to my dad after the fast that changed my life. A simple "lets get together for lunch." He accepted, we met and years of hate and pain stopped in a blink of an eye. We didn't become best friends, playing catch and hangin' out fishing. It was "lets have a future without the garbage of the past meeting." And it worked. Today we talk regularly and he is involved in my life.
On the Cape my brother received my news about dad... with silence. The news was such an unbelievable reality for him he withdrew from me and settled into the idea I was a traitor to the cause. Jesus gives insight to this but ya never think it's never gonna happen.
Mike wrote an email... he ended our relationship in two paragraphs... done. 41 years of being tied to one another, done. 41 years of of survival tactics and misguided humor, done...41 years with my hero, gone in the body of an email.
You will lose your life in acts of forgiveness. If I'd understood it then, maybe I woulda lived with the hate... not sure. But this loss is so f-ing great and pain always follows closely behind this one.
I wrote him back seeking understanding. "Mike, I don't want to hate anymore, I want to forgive as God has forgiven me." To no avail. Mike disconnected from me, my kids and wife. Phones calls unanswered, emails not returned and birthdays and holidays vanished from the face of our relationship. Literally dissolved overnight. I mourned painfully for months even to this writing as I've taken months to write it while shutting down blogging until this comes out of me.
I don't blame Mike one bit btw... I'd have done the same. Have and mostly likely will.
Forgiveness ain't supposed to be pretty, it was never meant to be. It was meant to be dark, filled with the sin from the past and present. It was meant to be lived, not simply pardoned. It's ramifications last generations and lessons take thousands to their knees. Forgiveness started with death and ends the same way. You must be willing to kill everything you are as you step into it's path. Simply, you must be ready to die for the sake of it's act. The only thing you stand to gain is the approval of God, that's it. That one thing sooner or later will win as you grow to Christ. No, it's not great incentive for you to start the process, but peace and freedom in a heart is greater than hate. You do the math.
Who is it that stands in your way of peace and freedom with God the Father?
For now I'll mourn my brother by minding my own damn business and trying like hell to lead a quiet life while praying for hearts to soften.
God reconciled us to Him through His Son's death, an act that is unfathomable to me as I look at my own sons. Through that act He gave us love and forgiveness and opportunity to be in His midst. That was only felt in this heart when I stepped in the path of my own forgiveness and pursued it's end.
I love my brother and miss him greatly.
